First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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