The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
