An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Randomize
