I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
