We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
