there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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