I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
