You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I would ride that face into the sunset
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