I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
