remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
