I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
