So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
pray to the hookup gods
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
