Who wears a wallet chain?!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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