i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
