I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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