my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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