Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize