If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
