the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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