I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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