I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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