how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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