By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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