took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
