im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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