guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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