hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
