3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
