Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
