you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
