Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
