life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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