You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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