Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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