apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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