well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
