I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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