I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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