i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
