I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
