I'm pants shitting drunk right now
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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