I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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