About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
