I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
