This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
