@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
organizing the empties. That sober.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
not ubering you a puppy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
