True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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