Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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