i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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