She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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