My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
