I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
