I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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