I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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