i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
And then the night went full on bisexual.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
