My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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