I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm passing your future prison.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize